Live Noise

Lyrics

Michigan Militia

Micheala Majoun, WXPN Morning Host: "MOXY FRUVOUS!!!!"

(All)
I like to keep it in the refrigerator.
(Mike speaking through megaphone)
Keeps the powder dry, and the action quicker.
(All)
Let me be your American Gladitor.
(Mike speaking)
Find enclosed an adhesive N.R.A. sticker.

(Mike speaking)
A letter t' you from where I been holed up
in this bucolic, agrarian compound.
One step ahead 
(rest)
just ahead
(Mike speaking)
of the government bloodhound.

The gas is off, it's a national showdown.
(deep voice)
BUT...
(All)
Sure wish that I could visit you,
my sweet betrothed.
(Mike speaking)
In a couple a' days
we'll all be free,
or we'll be dead.

(Jian)
Happy Birthday, Trisha,
I'm in the Michigan Militia.
Happy Birthday, Trisha,
I'm in the Michigan Militia.

(All)
I'm fencing off this little piece of heaven.
(Mike speaking)
Cross the line and you're electrocuted.
(All)
Polishing up my AK47.
(Mike speaking)
It's a constitutional right, can't be refuted.

(Mike speaking)
Now they got us on TV,
and makin' us look stupid.
Shot of me flippin' my lid,
at that mutt reporter,
a classic case of race dilution

(All)
Houston,

(Mike speaking)
What is the problem?
(All)
I'm fighting for you, and a blue-eyed Jesus.
(Mike speaking)
America first,
the rest get the pieces.

(All)
Na Na Na Na.

(All)
Happy Birthday, Trisha,
I'm in the Michigan Militia.
Happy Birthday, Trisha,
I'm in the Michigan Militia.

Fighting for your honour,
like would any Afrikaner.
Happy Birthday, Trisha,
I'm in the Michigan Militia.

Our numbers are strong, and it won't be long
'til I can tell you, Trisha, that we won.
You'll be ecstatic, just like that night 
you told me up in the attic.
That was your wish again,
to be back in a purified Michigan

down on...! down on...!

(Mike speaking)
...the farm?

(solo on the megaphone)

(Dave speaking)
Well, that's my wish again,
to be back in Michigan.

(All)
Happy Birthday, Trisha,
I'm in the Michigan Militia.
Happy Birthday, Trisha, 
I'm in the Michigan Militia.

I hope y'like the double barrel,
I think it goes with your apparel.
Happy Birthday, Trisha,
I'm in the Michigan Militia.

(All)
I like to keep it in the refrigerator.

Thank you...

Jockey Full of Bourbon

(Mike)
Edna Million in a drop dead suit
Dutch Pink on a downtown train
Two-dollar pistol but the gun won't shoot
I'm in the corner on the pouring rain
Sixteen men on a dead man's chest
And I've been drinking from a broken cup
Two pairs of pants and a mohair vest
I'm full of bourbon, I can't stand up 

(All)
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, children are alone
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, your children are alone 

(Mike)
Schiffer broke a bottle on Morgan's head
And I'm stepping from the dead man's tail
Across the line of a full moon's head
And through the bars of a Cuban jail
Bloody fingers on a purple knife
Flamingo drinking from a cocktail glass
I'm on the lawn with someone else's wife
Check the view from up on top of the mast 

(All)
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, children are alone
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, your children are alone 

(Guitar Solo) 

(Mike)
Schiffer broke a bottle on Morgan's head
And I'm stepping from the dead man's tail
Across the line of a full moon's head
And through the bars of a Cuban jail
Bloody fingers on a purple knife
Flamingo drinking from a cocktail glass
I'm on the lawn with someone else's wife
Check the view from up on top of the mast 

(All)
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, children are alone
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, your children are alone 
(Jian, unclear)
1,2,3,4,5,
(All)
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, children are alone (your children are alone)
Hey little bird, fly away home
Your house is on fire, your children are alone 

Intra-Pennsylvania Rivalry

(Jian)
Well, thank you very much everybody. What a thrill it is to be back in 
Pittsburgh...what? oh sorry, I mean uh Phila-Philadelphia.  Well, we 
figured for the live album, it'd be cooler...Pittsburgh'd be a cooler city to be in.

(Murray)
Yes, so *laugh*

(Jian)
So, thanks Pittsburgh.
Keep it up, man. Ah...it's great walking around in the Steel City.

(Dave)
I love the way the rivers merge in the town. It's so nice. So many levels.

(Jian)
Aw - just kidding. We hate Pittsburgh. This is exactly what we hoped to created 
which is an Intra-Pennsylvania rivalry - which probably already exists, I know. 
but you know, we just wanna fan the flames as Canadians who really have nothing 
to do with this. You know? Philadelphia should take...I mean, why haven't you, 
you know, marched on Pittsburgh. And taken it with. You know? I figure, you know...
I mean I'm not talking about nuclear weapons, chemical weapons, I'm not talking 
about any of that. I'm talking an agrairian revolt. Pitchfolks, a spade. Go after 
those Pittsburgh people. What's your problem?

Horseshoes

(All)
Look straight at the coming disaster.
(Jian)
Realize what you've lost (realize what you've lost)
You keep handing out horseshoes.
(All)
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed.

(Dave)
My sister Sue and me were doing stunts with electric trains
She said she'd do my dishes, so I handed her the reins 

(rest)
handed her the reins

(Dave)
And she engineered a collision steered by a 
(All)
hand-eye protege
(Dave)
Before my train set started burning I heard my sister say (say...)

(All)
Look straight at the coming disaster.
(Jian)
Realize what you've lost (realize what you've lost)
You keep handing out horseshoes.
(All)
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed.
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed.

(Murray)
I dreamed I went to heaven 'cause I told my lover lies
When I woke up I went to her and looked her in the eyes 

(rest)
looked her in the eyes

(Murray)
I said "help me cry, 'cause I can't deny this 
(All)
union's feeling wrong"
Then a flshback to the dream and angels singing songs (singing songs)

(All)
Look straight at the coming disaster.
(Jian)
Realize what you've lost (realize what you've lost)
You keep handing out horseshoes.
(All)
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed.
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed.

(guitar solo)

(Dave)
Don't push the river; if you love it, set it free
(Jian)
I said "go on and see him, you can still come home to me"

(All)
I was satisfied, God was on our side
'Cause we're freer than the birds.

(Jian)
She sent me a letter. I didn't read it.
I already knew the words

(Jian - soft)
Look straight at the coming disaster
Realize what you've lost (ahhhhhh)
You keep handing out horseshoes (you keep handing out...)

(All)
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed.

(All)
Look straight at the coming disaster
Realize what you've lost 
(Jian)
You keep handing out horseshoes (you keep handing out...)
(all)
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed...
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed...
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed...
Horseshoes have gotta be tossed...
(repeat and fade)

Good Date Band?

(murray)
In the interim while we have a moment, while I have a moment with you...
I was just... I was just struck with this question earlier in the set. 
And I wanted to put it to you. Is uh...in your opinion, is Moxy Fruvous 
a good date band? Are we like a good date band? yeah? Well, now, that 
doesn't sound...that sounds half hearted.
(Jian)
Can I ask you a question, Murray? (Murray: yeah) By asking you a question. 
I think we're *not* a good date band. (Murray: Yeah, that was my opinion...) 
You know why? Because we... a) we have lyrics and we don't have uhhh we 
don't have that incessant, we don't have like a groove, we don't have a 
deejay groove going on where you could just slide up to your partner....
(Dave)
Yes, we do.
(Mike)
Dis-moi, c'est quoi?
Dis-moi, c'est quoi?
Dis-moi, c'est quoi?
Dis-moi, c'est quoi?
Dis-moi, c'est quoi?
Dis-moi, c'est quoi?
(Jian)
Ecstasy
(Dave)
My God
(Mike)
the Egyptian girls
(jian, howling) 
Ah -roo
(Mike)
the Hawaiian girls
(jian, howling) 
Ah -roo
(Mike)
the American girls
(jian, howling) 
Ah -roo
(Mike)
Boom Shakalaka and everybody's styling
Boom Shakalaka and a wide 60s pants styling and wide wale courd.

(jian, fading out)
But we don't have. See that's classic date band stuff.

Fly

(Jian)
Here's a song from the album Wood that's about the moment when you 
realize the someone that you really love, that you really care for, 
when you both realize that you're just not right for each other and 
it's a song about that feeling. And it's called Fly.
(Jian on lead)
When you've played out As the World Turns
You don't need soaps to clean your mind
Every little child learns
If you can't see dreams, your eyes are blind
(Jian and Dave)
Was it just a fool's impression?
Such an antiquated passion.
(Jian)
On the day they both conspired to ride the midway after dark
They had enough of their pride to not bring coins to this amusement park
(Jian and Dave)
And she held his hand to follow
And he held his breath, then let go
(Jian)
They crouched down low.
(Jian)
Sat in the front row.
(the rest joining)
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight, let's get it just right,
We'll take our last flight. You and I.
(Jian)
So they cried inside while their eyes smiled
There was no turning back for two
Erase the memory stockpile
All alone, and one thing left to do
(Jian and Dave with the rest joining)
In the rollarcoaster shadows,
They took off their shoes and bared their souls
They crouched down low.
Sat in the front row
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight (hold on tight), let's get it just right (come on now, let's get it right - now)
We'll take our last flight. (and take our last flight) You and I.

(Harmonica solo)

(Jian and Dave) 
And she held his hand to follow
And he held his breath, then let go (let go)
(Jian with the rest joining)
They crouched down low
Sat in the front row
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight (hold on tight), let's get it just right,(come on now, let's get it right, now)
We'll take our last flight.(and take our last flight) 
You and I.
Hold on tight (hold on tight), let's get it just right,(come on, come on, come on)
We'll take our last flight.(and take our last flight) 
You and I.

Boo Time

[Mike makes starts call and response with a hoot owl, 
meow, woof, screetch, hoot owl]

(Mike)
I hear a hoot owl...
I hear a hoot owl...(coo)
I hear a hoot owl, Lord Baden-Powell, Adam West putting on the 
Batman cowl and everybody knows what time it is, time it is...time it is...

(Mike)
It's Boo Time
It's Boo Time

(Mike on Lead)
When every wanker's wound up tight,
frigid, fractious, and forthright,
the plebes plugged up with plebiscite,
Trim the trad, go troglodyte

(Mike)
It's Boo Time

(All)
Boo Time

(Mike)
It's Boo Time

(Mike)
When obligations grow obtuse,
New neckties nab you like a noose,
The clown, the cleric, the recluse
All crank the sluice on their caboose.

(All)
Something that you bury,
way down the estuary,
Sharp and incendiary,
locked in a box of lead I said.

(Bass and mini-keyboard solo)

(Mike and Dave call and response)

Chippewa Chippewa
Anchor Bar
Doin twist and grot
Promo the robot
Give the man the slip on the Elwood Strip 
(note: the road is actually 'Elmwood')
Give the man the slip on the Elwood Strip
Give the man the slip on the Elwood Strip
Give the man the slip on the Elwood Strip - OW!

(All)
Something that you buried,
way down the estuary,
Sharp and incendiary,
locked in a box of lead I said.

(Dave)
Well, it's not forbidden to be what you are.
Dip into that great big cookie jar.

(Mike)
where it's always Boo Time

(All)
Boo Time

(Mike)
It's Boo Time

(All)
Boo Time

(Mike)
I said it's Boo Time

(All)
Boo Time

(Mike scat solo)

(Mike)
It's boo, it's boo, it's boo!

Kirk King Intro

(Jian)
It's Jim Kirk, Live again at the Mercury Lounge.
(Mike - in Kirk voice)
I'd - to tell you - about -
Things that would blow your mind, Scotty.
Starships run with engines the size of a walnut.
Walnuts run with engines the size of starships.
A man barely alive. We can rebuild him.
We can make him better, bigger, stronger, faster - the King of Spain!

King of Spain

(Dave as The King)                   
Once I was the King of Spain
(Jian)
The King of Spain, live in Buffalo      
(Dave)        
Oh... my unspeakable wife, Queen Lisa    
(Murray)
Don't mention Lisa.
(Dave)
I'm telling you I was the King of Spain
(Murray)
The King a former conehead
And now I work at the Pizza Pizza

(Jian and crowd yelling)
1 2 3 4!

(Dave)
Royalty, lord it looked good on me
Buried in silk in the royal boudoir or going nuclear free
Or playing Crokinole with the Princess of Monaco
Telling my jokes to the OPEC leaders, getting it all on video

(Dave)                                    (rest)
Once I was the King of Spain              now I eat humble pie 
A palatial palace, that was my home       now I eat humble pie 
I'm telling you I was the King of Spain   now I eat humble pie 
And now I vacuum the turf at SkyDome

(rest)
Once he was the King of Spain

(Dave)
I can't wait, I'm lowering interest rates, my people say:

(Jian speaking in a funny voice)
"King, how are you such a genius?

(Murray speaking)
There's a cone on your head.

(Mike speaking in a funny voice)
Bonita!"

(Dave)
It's laissez-faire, I don't even give a care
Let's make Friday part of the weekend
And give all of these people chocolate eclair

(Dave)                                               (rest)
Once I was the King of Spain                         now I eat humble pie 
Hey Clinton! Hey Yeltsin! Got problems? 
You phone me                                         now I eat humble pie 
I'm telling you I was the King of Spain              now I eat humble pie 
Now the Leafs call me up to drive the Zamboni

(rest)
Once he was the King of Spain

(Dave speaking)
Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you Stan Makita and the Players!

(rest do vocal solos)

(Dave speaking)
Now some of you are probably very curious how the King of Spain came to 
be living in North America, working at these minimum wage jobs. 
(Jian)
How did it happen, King?
(Dave)
Yes, everybody wants to know, don't they?
(Murray)
Most people.
(Dave)
And as literary convention would have it, this song has an epilogue. 
Are you curious about the epilogue?
(everyone yelling )
Do you want to know?
(audience response)
Tell us, King!
(everyone yelling )
Do you want to know?
(audience response)
Tell us, King!
(everyone yelling )
Do you want to know?
(audience response)
Tell us, King!
(Dave)
Should I tell them then, guys?
(Murray, Mike, Jian and audience)
Tell us, King!
(Dave)
You see late one night when the palace was asleep
Out of my royal chambers and into the garden I creep
And I wait till the appointed time, when the moon is lighting the pitch
At which point my peasant friend, who looks just like me
Arrives and we make switch!

(rest gasp)

(Dave)
Prince and pauper, junior and whopper
World made up of silver and copper
Under my own volition, I took a change of position
So next time you drool in the pizza line
Remember, slower pizza's more luscious

(All)
The King of Spain never rushes!!!

(Dave)                                            (rest)
Once I was the King of Spain                      now I eat humble pie 
I was lookin' for off-handed ways to improve us   now I eat humble pie 
I'm telling you I was the King of Spain           now I eat humble pie 
And now I'm jamming with Moxy Fruvous!

(rest)
Once he was the King of Spain

(Jian, fading)
Give it up for the King of Spain

The Lowest Highest Point [Improv]

(Mike)
Which state has the lowest highest point? Eh?
Florida? I guessed Florida or Louisiana, I was wrong. 
Jian got it on his second guess.
No..New York? It's got fuckin' mountains.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
the lowest highest point.
(Murray)
Two words that shouldn't go together. Lowest and highest.
(Mike)
Virginia's got mountains, too. Like are you not thinking?
(Mike and Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian, starting a beat)
The lowest highest point.
(Dave)
The lowest highest point.
[Dave and Murray create a backgroud part, alternating the 
rhythm on the words "lowest highest point"]
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
Is in the prairies rolling hills? 
Or is out on the left coast?
Maybe something down south where they've got lots of marshes
Maybe it's the fucking District of Columbia 
All that hot air's gotta sink that city
Maybe it's somewhere up North
(Dave)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
Laid Back.
(Jian)
Kissinger
(Dave)
Gin and juice!
(Mike)
Do we have a guess from the audience, an educated guess, not a fucking 
state with mountains. Think about this one, Cheloveks.
[audience makes guesses]
(Mike)
What?
(Dave)
I haven't heard it.
(Jian)
It's not Arizona. 
(Mike)
Arizona has mountains.
(Jian)
Not Arizona. Not New York. Not Missouri or Indiana. 
Not Illinois. Not Idaho. Not Montana.
(Mike)
It's not even Maine. They've got Mount Washington. Fucking Mount Washington. 
Mount Washington, up in Maine. It's got a bit of elevation.
(note: Mt. Washington is actually in New Hampshire)
It's not fucking New Hampshire.
They got skiing.
This has gotta be a state without fucking skiing. The state...
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian)
Keep trying! It's not Alabama.
(Dave)
It's not Iowa.
(Mike)
Ow! Did somebody get it? I think somebody got it. 
(Jian)
Come on up on stage. Come on up on stage.
(Mike)
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
He's got the Woodie Guthrie style of hat, cause he's been thinking.
Ain't thinking about fucking mountains. Tell Us!
(Audience Member)
Delaware.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
(Mike)
The lowest highest point.
(Jian)
The lowest highest point.
It's Delaware!

B.J. Don't Cry

(Jian)
Somebody. Somebody. Somebody. Somebody scream!

(Mike speaking)
From the Fruvous Quill comes a sorry tale of love and illin'
Romeo found the balcony too high, ended up with second billin'
She loved in triplicate, left his heart a blank to fill in
Lost his faith immaculate when cupid became a villian

(Dave & Jian)
B.J. Don't cry no more
Found out what his heart is beating for
Says he takes it much too hard
Give my regards to B.J.

(Mike speaking)
In a fit of rage, he tore down all her gifts and promises
Sick and tired of hearing 'bout those Harry, Dick, and Thomasses
Banished her for life he did, right then and there, from the premises
Once Holy Virgin Queen, now on the scene, his nemesis

(All)
B.J. Don't cry no more
Found out what his heart was beating for
Says he takes it much too hard
Give my regards to B.J.

(Mike)
He thought about his life, his heart began to rush
He buried the crown, found a hooka and a brush - hey
BJ paints town...

(Mike speaking)
Achtung...

(Others)
La la la la la la...
La la la la la.

(Mike speaking through megaphone)
Now on the street our wounded soul is looking quite Gregarial
Heart of tin has shed his skin, given it a hefty burial
In 1734, Mozart releases the "magic flute"
Rallied 'round the Fruvous Flag, burnt the kitchen, raised the aerial

(Jian and Mike)                             (All)
B.J. Don't cry no more                      Never had a girl to call his own
Found out what his heart was beating for    Never strayed too far from hearth and home
Says he takes it much too hard              He's our Messiah
Give my regards to B.J.

(All)
Turn it over, little man

(Mike, w/ others singing "B J")
He took a trip, BJ's on a train
Far far away, but he'll be back again one rainy day

(All)
B.J. Don't cry no more - ahhhhh
B.J. Don't cry no more 

(Mike speaking)
So there we have a story lived in person told by proxy
'Bout a mild-mannered mannequin, every Thursday hit the Roxy!
Til there his own reflection, like a UFO he's boarding 
Now he hikes the Himmalayas, but he'd rather catch a live recording!

(All)                                       (All)
B.J. Don't cry no more                      Never had a girl to call his own
Found out what his heart was beating for    Never strayed too far from hearth and home
Says he takes it much too hard              He's our Messiah
Give my regards to B.J.

He says he takes it much too hard           He's our Messiah
Give my regards to B.J.

(Mike)
And now he's swinging in the yard,
he's the junior bard,
with the Juliard

(All)
B.J.

(Jian, fading)
Good evening, New York! 
"The Statue made me high...."

Johnny Saucep'n

(All)
Well he was just some Johnny Saucep'n when he walked into that kitchen
And the chef picked up the order and put down his Solzhenitysen
He said "make yourself at home, boy, I just prewarmed all the griddles
Ya got 20 minutes, starting now, to create some gourmet vittles"

Basil endive parmesan shrimp live
Lobster hamster worchester muenster
Caviar radiccio snow pea scampi
Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert
Pork hocs side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks
Provolone flatbread goat's head soup
Gruyere cheese angelhair please
And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws.

Sure he was just some Johnny Saucep'n when he walked into that kitchen
But his genius with the foodstuffs got the old chef's tastebuds itchin'
Johnny Saucep'n bought the restaurant and the chef came all unglued
There will always be a lineup for that strange and wonderful food.

Basil endive parmesan shrimp live
Lobster hamster worchester muenster
Caviar radiccio snow pea scampi
Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert
Pork hocs side flanks cantaloupe sheep shanks
Provolone flatbread goat's head soup
Gruyere cheese angelhair please
And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws.

(Jian)
Thank you...

Nature Sounds

(Murray)
Play and record again.
(Dave)
Play and record at the same time.
(Jian)
Actually, do that shhhhh again.
That's good. If we...if we record enough of that, we can release one of those Nature Sounds tapes.
There's a big market for that, you know? You go into the drug store. $20, you pick up sounds of the loon.
(Mike)
[hoot owl sound]
"Honey, you look so calm."
"It's the tape. It's the audio cassette."
(Murray)
Better than real nature.
(Jian)
I've been listening to Lake Erie. Sweetheart?

I've Gotta Get a Message to You

(by The BeeGees)

(All)
Ooo. Ooo. Ooo. Ooo. 

(Jian on lead)
Well, the preacher turned to me
and he smiled.
He said, "Come and walk with me,
come and walk one more mile."

Now, for once in your life, you're alone,
and you ain't got a dime.
There's no time for the phone.

(All)
I've gotta get a message to you.
Hold on. Hold on.
One more hour and my life will be through.
Hold On. Hold on.

(Jian, w/ audience clapping along)
I told him I'm in no hurry, 
and if I broke her heart,
then please tell her I'm sorry.
Now for once in my life I'm alone,
but I've gotta let her know,
one more time before I go.

(All)
I've just gotta get a message to you.
Hold on. Hold on.
One more hour and my life will be through.
Hold On. Hold on. Hold on......

(Dave sings a psuedo-trumpet solo)

(All four sing a psuedo-trumpet solo)

(Jian, w/ audience snapping along)
Well, I laughed, but that didn't hurt,
and it's only her love
that keeps me wearing this smirk.
Now I'm crying, but deep down inside,
I did it to him, now it's my turn to die.

(All, w/ audience clapping along)
I've just gotta get a message to you.
Hold on. Hold on.
One more hour and my life will be through.
Hold On. Hold on.

(All - key change)
I've just gotta get a message to you.
Hold on. Hold on.
One more hour and my life will be through.
Hold On. Hold on...........

My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors

(Jian)
Well, we're Moxy Fruvous from Toronto, and My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors
(Dave)
Well you should see my story reading baby, you should hear the things that she says,
She says "Hon, drop dead, I'd rather go to bed with Gabriel Garcia Marquez."

(Mike in funny voice)
Uhh-huh!

(Dave)
Cuddle up with William S. Burrows, leave on the light for Bell Hooks,
I've been flirtin' with Pierre Burton 'cause he's so smart in his books

(All)
I like to go out dancing,
My baby loves a bunch of authors
My heart's so broke and bleedin'
(Dave)
Baby's just sitting there 
(Murray)
doing some reading

(Dave)
So I started watching some TV, played my new cd player too,
She said: "Turn it off or I'll call the cops and I'll throw the book at you."
All this arguing made me get dizzy, called my doctor to come have a look
I said: "Doctor hurry!" He said:
(Murray)
"Don't worry, I'll be over when I finish my book"

(All)
I like to go out dancing,
My baby loves a bunch of authors
We've been livin in hovels
(Dave)
Spendin' all our money on
(Murray)
brand new novels

(Dave)
So I got myself on a streetcar and it drove right into someone,
You know the driver said:

(Jian in grizzly voice) 
"I was lookin' straight ahead!" 

(Dave)
But he was reading the Toronto Sun

(Jian) 
"So?"

(Dave)
So my honey and me go to a counsellor to help figure out what we need
She said: "We'll get your love growing, 

(Mike, in funny Dr. Ruth voice) 
but before we get going, here's some books I'd like you to read."

(All)
I like to go out dancing,
My baby loves a bunch of authors
Lately we've had some fricton
(Dave)
'Cause my baby's hooked on
(Murray)    
Pulp fiction

(Dave)
So we split and went to a party, some friends my girl said she knew
But what a sight 'cause it's authors night and the place looks like a who's who

(Dave)
Now I'm pounding the ouzo 

(rest)
with Mario Puzo

(Dave)
Who's a funny fella? 

(rest)
W.P. Kinsella

(Dave)
Who brought the cat? 

(rest)
Would Margeret Atwood?

(Dave)
Who needs a shave? 

(rest)
He's Robertson Davies!

(Dave)
Ondaatje started a food fight, salmon mousse all over the scene

(All)
Spilled some dressing on Doris Lessing, these writer types are a scream!

(All)
I like to go out dancing,
My baby loves a bunch of authors
We'll be together for ages
(Dave)
Eatin' and Sleepin' and
(Jian in grizzly voice)
Eatin' and Sleepin' and
(Mike in funny Dr. Ruth voice)
Eating und Sleeping und 
(Murray)    
Turnin' pages.

(All)
Yeah!

Naked Puppets

(Jian)
...just happens to like being naked. There's nothing wrong with that.
(Dave)
Who doesn't like being naked?
(Mike)
So did Adam and Eve.
(Audience member)
So does Grover!
(Dave)
So does Grover.
(Murray)
Grover is...
(Jian)
Now, you're talking, you fucking beastiality nut... you crazy guy. 
[pause - everyone laughs]
(Murray)
Well. You came back at him, didn't ya? You told him.
(Jian)
Ah, sure. I taught him a lesson, huh?
(Murray)
There's no...
(Mike)
Anybody else? Anybody else got something to say here?
(Jian)
Well, who thinks...who thinks of Grover as naked?
(Murray)
I mean, Grover is naked.
(Jian)
That's sacrosant.
(Murray)
Does anybody else wanna point out a naked puppet? Alrighty. No? Okay.
(Jian)
And I guess Kermit's naked? Let's talk about that.
(Dave)
Is Barney naked?
(Jian)
Is nothing sacred?
(Mike)
Am I sick?
I always wanted to hear Oscar the Grouch, you know how he comes out?
I always wanted him one time to just to come out and go "motherfucker"
He's got the perfect mouth for it. 
(Jian)
Just come out of the gar... he's pissed off for being in the garbage can.
(Mike)
Motherfucker. But uh, you know...it's never gonna happen.
(Jian)
What can you do? And then Liddie Dole intervened...

No No Raja

(Jian on lead)
I wanna taste it, 
give me a little taste. 
I wanna taste it again. 

(All)
Oh, no, no Raja, 
don't you go back to her. 
No, no Raja, don't you.

(Jian)
I wanna smell it, 
just a little smell. 
I wanna smell it again.

(All) 
Oh, no, no Raja, 
don't you go back to her. 
No, no Raja, don't you.

(Jian) 
And it's so hard,   
khaili mushkileh, 
it's standing so hard again. 

(All) 
Oh, no, no Raja, 
don't you go back to her. 
No, no Raja,
don't you. 

(Jian) 
I want it stupid, 
just a little feel. 
I wanna feel it again. 

(All) 
Oh, no, no Raja, 
don't you go back to her. 
No, no Raja, don't you. 

(Jian) 
For Raja, quiescence was wrong from the start. 
Now Raja bleeds out his broken heart. 

I want it stupid. 
Just a little feel.
I wanna feel it again. 

(All) 
Oh, no, no Raja, 
don't you go back to her.
No, no Raja, don't you. 

No, no Raja, 
don't you go back to her. 
No, no Raja, don't you.

Video Bargainville

(Jian, rasping)
I have a college pal who
Says we can pay one price for two
Uhh, Just ask for 'Roger', at 

(All)
Video Bargainville

(Spoken by Jian)
We can take a trip up to the corner, it's not too far, especially in the car
There's a friendly store with nice decore, and lots of posters on the door
Once past the counter and the news stand, with a free bag of popcorn in your hand
You're ready for the world - No, not the band...But a fine selection in video land

Don't be too confused by the little reviews
On the back of the box, just pick up the boxes, all the boxes you can use
The hipedi-hoppest videos in the land
Maybe something foreign, maybe something banned, maybe something formerly banned
Perhaps it's something you can watch with friends, or something that inevitably lends
Itself to shapely curves and bends of exploited women and their friends
Perhaps it's "New York, New York" with Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke
No. That's not right... It was Robert Deniro, everyone's favorite video hero

(All)
I have a college pal who
Says we can pay one price for two
Just ask for 'Roger'
At Video Bargainville

(Jian speaking)
So contrary to the desparate sign, most patrons always "please rewind!"
And the clerks don't mind, they're very kind, the only stickler has resigned
There's a courteous smoking section in the back, behind the bulging exercise video rack
If you're tired, you can hit the sack with the trendy new Ben-Hur disco double pack

(All)
I have a college pal who
Says we can pay one price for two
Just ask for 'Roger'
At Video Bargainville

(Jian, faint)
Yeah.

(All, growing in volume)
Once we had a friend
was too extravagant
Was not a Bargainville fan

(Jian)
pissed off the video man!

Soon there will be "program your own" TV, So they ask you to heed this final plea
Before it's all dead you should rent more, and enjoy video bargains galore!!

(all)
I have a college pal who
Says we can pay one price for two
Just ask for 'Roger'
At Video Bargainville

I have a college pal who
Says we can pay one price for two
Just ask for 'Roger'
At Video Bargainville

I have a college pal who
Says we can pay one price for two
ya ya ya ya ya
At Video Bargainville

(Jian, fading)
Thank you, Americans... and corporate subsidies.

Kasparov vs. Deep Blue

(Murray)
Well, I... I do have a question. How many people were voting for Deep Blue?
And how many people were voting for Kasparov? Ah.....humanity has hope - still, I suppose.
(Jian)
How many people are like actually disappointed that the human lost.
No no, disappointed I mean. Duh! No, Because like I just don't get it, you know? I mean, 
you know? What's the fucking big deal, you know? It's a machine, right? I don't know. 
I made the point in Albany the other day which apparently lost on all the Albanians.
(Murray)
I didn't get it either.
[laughter]
(Dave)
That's not all that was lost on the Albanians.
(Jian)
There still behind the times.
(Dave)
There's a lot of foreign aid going on there.
(Jian)
So, uh...
(Murray)
Your point was if there's a fire, Deep Blue wouldn't run out of the room.
(Jian)
Exactly!
(Mike)
Couldn't run out of the room.
(Jian)
That's exactly my point. If an attractive person walks into the room, a person that would 
be attractive to Deep Blue, it can't do anything about it. That's my point. 
Kasparov can approach the person. 
(Murray)
The attractive person.
(Jian)
No! Here's my point. My point is a calculator. That's my point. Right?
(Murray)
No, let's get back the fire.
(Jian)
No, hang on. No, no, the calc...forget the fire, because apparently it's, you know, 
I'm talking on a different level. 
(Murray)
I - Clearly!
(Jian)
Here's the thing. Here's the thing. A calculator, right,  a common everyday calculator.
(Murray)
I'm with you.
(Jian)
A calculator will, you know, it...let's say, let's play the adding game, right? Who can 
add faster a calculator or a woman or man? A calculator can, right? So what's the big deal? 
We know that there are instruments... we know that there are are machines... 
we know that there are computers, etcetera.
(Murray)
Right.
(Jian)
that can do things that. It's just because the the thing won at chess, right? 
I don't understand what the big deal is.
(Murray)
Your point is if you light a match near your calculator, it's not going to scurry away. 
It's all relative.
(Jian)
No, my point is...My point is if there's a calculator. My point is... oh alright, okay, 
I'll bring it back to the fire for you, because I know you're obsessed. 
If there's a fire in my living room, where me and my calculator are sitting, I can escape the fire. 
(Dave)
Yeah, but...
(Jian)
But my calculator can't.
(Murray)
Is there a logic course here that one of us can enroll in?
(Jian)
Well, I think, I think they know what I'm talking about. 
I'm talking about the fact that the machine is programmed to only do one thing. 
It can't do anything else. The fire was just one example. Pick anything, anything.
(Mike)
Locusts.
(Murray)
A flood. How about a flood? Can he escape a flood?
(Dave)
Buddy boy...
(Jian, laughing)
Kasparov can....
(Mike)
A plague of frogs.
[laughter]
(Jian)
No, say there's an, say there's an earthquake. Right.
(Murray)
Now, there's a good one.
(Jian)
There's an earthquake doen the middle of the room, the chess room. 
Kasparov can get up and move. Deep Blue can't.
(Murray)
It falls into the chasm.
(Jian)
That's my point.
(Murray)
Right.
(Dave)
But if they built Deep Blue in a door frame then there's no room for Kasparov to stand...
to fight the earthquake. Then they're doubly screwed. 
(Jian)
See...see...they'd have to program Deep Blue to escape the fire. That's my thing.
(Murray)
But they can do that in a couple of years.
(Mike)
You know we were talking about... we were talking about disaster movies. 
This would be the perfect disaster movie. Just have an endless succession 
of these scenes where Deep Blue is just sitting there. 
"It's the locusts" or whatever and Kasparov is just running his little 
piggy legs out of the room. "I'm free again, you fucker." 
(Jian, fading)
Here's the...I just think....

Psycho Killer

(by David Byrne/Talking Heads)

(Jian)
I can't seem to face up to the facts
I'm tense and nervous and I
Can't relax
I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire
Don't touch me I'm a real live wire
well...
(All)
Psycho Killer
Qu'est Que C'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
oh oh oh
Psycho Killer
Qu'est Que C'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
oh oh oh ohhhhhh - ai yi yi yi ya
(Mike)
You start a conversation you can't even finish.
You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything.
Got nothing to say? My lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?
(All)
Psycho Killer,
Qu'est Que C'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
oh oh oh
Psycho Killer
Qu'est Que C'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
oh oh oh ohhhhh - ai yi yi ya
(Mike)
Ce que j'ai fais, ce soir la
Ce Cal Stanutz, ce soir la
Realisant mon espoir
Je me lance, vers la gloire ... OK
(Jian)
We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're too polite
(All)
Psycho Killer,
Qu'est Que C'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
oh oh oh
Psycho Killer,
Qu'est Que C'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

oh oh oh oh.... ai yi yi ya

Losers

(Jian)
How many people, uh, how many people here would consider themselves a loser?
[applause]

King of Spain [Cranky Monarch Version]

(Dave)
Royalty, lord it looked good on me
Buried in silk in the royal boudoir or going nuclear free
Or playing Crokinole with the Princess of Monaco
Telling my jokes to the OPEC leaders, getting it all on video

(Dave)                                     
Once I was the King of Spain
(rest)
Now I eat humble pie 
(Dave)
I'm telling you I was the King of Spain    

(rest)
Once he was the King of Spain

(Dave)
I can't wait, I'm lowering interest rates, my people say

(short guitar solo)

(Dave)
It's laissez-faire, I don't even give a care
Let's make Friday part of the weekend
And give every new baby a chocolate eclair

(Dave)                                             (rest)  
Once I was the King of Spain                       Now I eat humble pie 
Hey Clinton! Hey Yeltsin!                          
Got problems? You phone me                         Now I eat humble pie
I'm telling you I was the King of Spain            Now I eat humble pie
Now the Habs call me up to drive the Zamboni

(rest)
Once he was the King of Spain

(long guitar solo)

(Dave speaking)
You see late one night when the palace was asleep
Out of my royal chambers and into the garden I creep
And I wait till the appointed time, when the moon is lighting the pitch
At which point my peasant friend, who looks just like me
Arrives, we make switch!

(All)
Prince and pauper, junior and whopper
World made up of silver and copper

(Dave)
Under my own volition, I took a change of position

(Dave)                                             (rest)
Once I was the King of Spain                       Now I eat humble pie
I was looking for off-handed ways to improve us    Now I eat humble pie 
I'm telling you I was the King of Spain            Now I eat humble pie
And now I'm jamming with Moxy Früvous!

(rest)
Once he was the King of Spain...

The Drinking Song

(Mike, with audience singing along)
And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn
My senses finally blurred

He was a rock, to the end, a solid reminder
Couldn't deny a friend

(Mike & Jian)
We lived in the noise and the sweet amber poison

(Mike)
Peekin' up the skirt of the end

And we'd drink, two gnarly dudes and some records
Much like plates of black food

(Mike & Jian)
We filled up our faces, saw some far places

(Mike)
Stood on the roof in the nude

(All)
And the band played on
(Jian)
You sing it.
(Audience)
As the helicopters whirred
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn
My senses finally blurred

(Mike)
Between poles, he said "We're like cows in the grass"
Brushing off flies

(Mike & Jian)
Chaise lounging around, standing up, falling down

(Mike)
Till we no longer opened our eyes

And we'd drink, ever notice how drinking's like war?
Cup o' troops o'er the gums

(Mike & Jian)
To the end of our health, a campaign 'gainst myself

(Mike)
Armed with bourbons and scotches and rums

(All)
And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn
My senses finally blurred

(Mike)
Think of bombs, we're poised on the edge of disaster
Whether it's right or it's wrong

(Mike & Jian)
We opened the window, played some Nintendo

(Mike)
Sang a few bars of some pretty old song:

(All)
Irene goodnight, Irene goodnight
Goodnight Irene, goodnight Irene

(Mike)
I'll see you in my dreams

Oh to dream, those impotent bones of extinction
Flying graceful and free

(Mike & Jian)
None but the best 'cause the man cannot rest

(Mike)
Till he's finally beaten his me

(All)
And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn
My senses finally blurred

(Mike)
Till the end, he passed out on the sundeck that morning
Quietly saying goodbye

(Mike & Jian)
But I was so hammered I sputtered and stammered

(Mike)
Told him he couldn't just die

He was a rock, went straight for his own Armageddon
Face froze in a grin

(Mike & Jian)
Ambulance flyin' in, I never drank again

(Mike)
Can't really call that a loss or a win

(All, acappella)
And the band played on
As the helicopters whirred
Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn
My senses finally blurred

(Jian)
Thanks again everybody. We love you Buffalo. Thanks for being so kind to us.